He who angers you conquers you

Have you ever gotten mad at someone and lost your peace of mind in the process?

It happened to me recently and I understand how easily you can react and stay stuck in anger, irritation or resentment. 

Please note I’m not saying you should never feel anger, irritation or resentment; that would be impossible! However, when you do feel anger,  who is in control: You or the anger? Elizabeth Kenny, an Australian “bush nurse” famous for discovering an effective new approach for treating polio in the 1930s, said: “He who angers you conquers you”. When we let our anger be in charge it can steal our sanity and joy. 

The good news is that you don’t have to be a victim of your knee-jerk responses. You have the power to choose your response in any situation. This applies no matter which event triggered you and no matter which angry thoughts or feelings you might have.

You don’t have to be a victim.

You have a choice in the matter.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist and holocaust survivor. He discovered in the concentration camps that the human freedom that no-one could take away from him was his freedom to choose his response in any situation.

Take a moment to reflect on his observation and take into account his context: Besides enduring harsh conditions that included torture, he lost both his parents, a brother and his wife in the concentration camps.

When I get stuck in my head with anger, irritation or resentment, it generally isn’t as a result of experiencing a life-threatening situation. Someone may have said or did something that didn’t fit so well with my preferences. Or an inanimate object may have caused frustration – much like my recent experience with a door lock that, despite my best efforts over two hours to fix it, refused to work properly!

Frankl really helps me to connect to my power to choose my response. If he could choose not to be a victim of his anger and rather choose his response in such tragic circumstances, then so can I when my feelings get hurt or when I unsuccessfully wrestle with a broken lock. I can take a deep breath for the sake of my sanity, and begin again at this moment looking at the lock with fresh eyes. Eventually, I did get it right. Phew. And so can you.

I do acknowledge that it can be tougher when a human does or says something that we find hurtful as opposed to getting mad at an object. It is important to take note that it is still the same part of the mind that needs to be trained to choose sanity amidst experiencing a challenging situation. It is like a muscle that you need to practice. You have the power to choose your response.

This capacity of our minds to choose our attitude and response offers hope. You and I don’t have to be victims of the actions and words of other people. We don’t have to be victims that get lost in our anger, irritation or resentment. While accepting ourselves as humans who can get lost in angry thoughts and feelings, we can remember that we have the capacity to choose even if we don’t feel like it.

What does your anger cost you?

1. Anger can steal your sanity, joy and peace of mind.
2. Anger can lead to making bad decisions as it shuts down your capacity to be open-minded and solution-focused.
3. Anger can damage your chances of having authentic and fulfilling relationships. On the one hand, it closes your heart in a way that can prevent you from experiencing love, connection and belonging. On the other hand, people feel less safe speaking their minds and heart in your presence and keeping their distance.
4. As a leader, your angry knee-jerk responses can negatively impact your company’s efficiency and bottom line. How is this possible? Your employees may over time lose trust in you as their leader and may be less likely to be innovative, creative and collaborative out of fear of your anger.

Your anger can quite often be in your blind spot as it is linked to your unconscious motivational drive. Learning more about the Enneagram personality system can help you understand what specifically tends to anger your unconscious motivational drive. What you are aware of, you can mindfully manage – to create a better quality of life.

How do you connect to your power to choose?

1. Be mindful: When you become aware of the irritation, anger or resentment rising within you, observe it with curiosity and without any judgement. This right here is the space between stimulus and response. It is not about denying or suppressing your anger. Mindfully observing your anger helps to diffuse its potential power over you. Being mindful creates the space for you to respond in a constructive manner. The more you train your mind by exercising your power to choose, the “larger” this space becomes that breaks the bond with old automatic responses. In Frankl’s words, it is the space of our growth and freedom.
2. Remember that you can choose your response despite your angry thoughts and feelings.
3. Choose your response. Be disciplined with making this choice. It is very simple and not easy. Be kind to yourself at this moment and especially so if you catch yourself sliding into an old habitual response. Become present at this moment and begin again: “How do I choose to respond now?”. Just choose.

It is not working! What else can I do?

Focus on the sensation of your breath in your body while doing any of the following:

• Count to 10 a few times.
• Remove yourself from the situation. You can even say: “I am really angry right now and need to take time out to calm down and get perspective.” Please note the anger is within you. Therefore it is important to use the words I am angry and not you made me angry. You are being authentic by acknowledging the anger and also being self-aware to not blame the other person for the anger that lives within you.
• Take a walk around the block.
• Stroke your pet.
• Whistle Twinkle twinkle little star.

After being triggered it takes on average 20-30 minutes for your nervous system to get to a calm enough state in which the anger is no longer controlling you. Although you will probably still have angry thoughts and feelings, you can then proceed with using your power to choose your response.

Remember you have no control over how the other person will respond or that the situation will change for the better. You, however, are free to decide your response.

Your power to choose what!? Here are 5 options to consider:

1. You can choose to accept that what happened happened. You can’t change the past no matter how angry you get. Shouting louder won’t fix anything that has already happened.
2. You can choose to let go of your need to be right or to prove that you are right.
3. You can choose your attitude despite not liking or agreeing with what happened.
4. You can choose how you want to respond according to your character and integrity.
5. You can choose not to believe the angry words or actions of another person as defining who you are. Remember their words or reactions only reflect their projections and assumptions and not who you are.

In a nutshell

Your power to choose your response is part of the art of living. And if you are not intentional about your power to choose your response in every moment, chances are good that you will be taken on a roller coaster ride fuelled by angry thoughts and feelings, ultimately negatively impacting your inner well-being.

Remain kind to yourself while you observe the raw emotions of anger with curiosity and no judgment. And remember that you have the power to choose your response.

You choose your response for the sake of your sanity, cultivating meaningful relationships and creating a safe space in your business for employees to be more creative, innovative and collaborative.

It is not easy but it is simple.

Enjoy your power to choose!

Lots of love,

Renier