Are you lost in someone else's business?

Have you ever tried to change the behaviour of a loved one? I trust they thanked you with a heart overflowing with gratitude and immediately changed their ways!

If only life were so simple…

It’s so funny how the mind works: On a deep level you want to be loved for who you are. Then your mind goes on a mission to control other people or events in order for you to feel okay and loved. The dilemma here is that your mind tends to forget that other people also only want to be loved and appreciated for who they are.

Consider that to the extent you are trying to control other people, they are experiencing you as unloving and a threat to their freedom, creativity and happiness. Besides creating stress and suffering for yourself, you are also limiting your capacity for experiencing love and belonging.

Steven Covey coined the term Your Circle of Control in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which sold more than 40 million copies. The bottom line: to be more effective, productive and happy you need to focus all your attention and effort on what you can control.

Whose business is it anyway?

On the topic of where you should focus your control, spiritual teacher Byron Katie says there are only three types of business in the world:

Life’s Business*: for example natural disasters and the answers to life’s difficult questions.
Other People’s Business: for example the emotions, opinions, actions and reactions of other people.
Your Business: for example your emotions, opinions, actions and reactions

According to Byron, the moment you step out of Your Business and into the Business of Life or Other People you start to create suffering for yourself. Why is this? Because all your energy is being channelled into thoughts and feelings about things you have zero control over.

Think for a moment about how much control you really have:

Can you control how taxis drive on our roads?
Can you control what the government decides on any topic?
Can you control any loved one to consistently think, believe or act in a certain way?

But my partner’s (or child’s or friend’s) behaviour is unacceptable!

This may be so. But right now you are getting lost in thoughts and feelings about what the Other Person should or shouldn’t do. And you have zero control over it.

Zero.

Did I mention zero control?

Your mind is in their Business and now you are busy suffering. You are suffering because you are spending time in a domain where you have no power and where you can easily slide into being a victim of someone else’s behaviour. Focussing only on what you can control is a way of no longer being a victim and taking your power back.

Here are a few examples of what is within the domain of Your Business:

You can be aware of the sadness, fear or anger that’s been triggered within you and meet it with kindness.
You can express to your partner the impact of their behaviour on you.
You can choose how you want to respond.
You can choose to give yourself what you need right now.
You can ask yourself: What does loving yourself look like right now?
You can choose what you will accommodate without controlling the other person.
You can choose to leave the situation or, in extreme cases, the relationship.

But the government may not do that!

Yes in an ideal world, the government will orchestrate the greatest amount of security, wealth and health for the greatest amount of people. And I have to realise this is my belief and this is part of my business. Unfortunately, I can’t expect my government to follow this belief. I can vote. I can get involved where I choose to do so.

The point here is not to encourage complacency. It is to expose the futility of the pattern of worrying and getting upset on a daily basis about things over which you have zero control.

When you are triggered: Location, location, location

Whenever you catch yourself being frustrated or complaining take a few deep breaths and then ask yourself:

In whose business am I currently spending my energy?

Life’s?
Other People’s?
My own?

Let go of any expectations that fall outside of Your Business.

Ask yourself right now at this moment:

What precisely is within My Business?
What can I actually control?
What can I choose?
Where do I want to focus my attention?
What can I do?

Be unattached to your expectations

We all have expectations about what people should and shouldn’t do and it is okay to have those expectations. However, if these expectations are creating suffering for yourself then you are invited to reconsider them. From the perspective of neuroscience people are supposed to act according to their conditioning and habitual brain patterns (I spoke more about this in my post on Compassionate Sanity). People can after all only take action and make changes according to their habitual brain patterns and level of self-awareness. And you and I have zero control over that.

What unconscious expectations do you have?

Your expectations of others are mostly linked to your unconscious motivational drive in life. For example, if you are driven to help others, you might expect them to give you the same help and care. Or maybe you are driven to create certainty and safety and expect others to treat you in a way that makes you feel safe and secure. Learning more about the Enneagram Personality System can give you invaluable insights into what unconscious expectations you have of everyone around you.

But they can change!

Yes, they can but not because of something that you can control. Sometimes, people, have life-changing encounters and their lives transform miraculously. In religion, those moments are called grace because that insight that caused the shift in consciousness is never out of an individual’s own choosing. And neither do you nor I have control over starting a shift in consciousness in someone else.

What about love and kindness!?

You can influence people with your love and kindness. As you remember to keep your energy in your own business you are free to accept people as they are and to love them with your whole heart. In a world that can be so harsh you are then free to meet yourself and others with kindness. You never know when your love and kindness might be the spark that leads to someone’s life being transformed.

In a nutshell

At the end of the day, you are the only person you have a little control over. To the extent, you only focus on what you can control you will enjoy more sanity and joy.

You can have expectations and opinions that you find meaningful and that give you purpose in life. Don’t expect others to comply with your expectations or agree with your views.

As you let go of your desire for control you are freer to give and receive love. And after all, we all just want to be loved for who we are.

Make this a daily practice.

In service of your sanity and joy.

Much love,

Renier

*Here I changed Byron’s term God’s Business to Life’s Business. This is to avoid confusion as she doesn’t use the word God in a religious sense.